The other night at work (yes, I work nights now. Maybe I need to do a little life update?) I was chatting with my new friend Tammy and she made me listen to this new Taylor Swift song, Ronan. After the first 30 seconds, I wanted to stop it. Not that it wasn't good, but because I felt like I could start crying and that's bad news for everyone. I'm not a pretty cryer. At all. I save that for when I'm alone. Anyways, I didn't want to be rude so I listened to the entire song. If you've never heard it, go to youtube, now. Its the saddest song I've ever heard about a little boy with cancer that she wrote for Stand Up to Cancer. Something about that song compelled me. I couldn't stop thinking about it and my heart just ached for the mother of that sweet boy. I cannot even begin to imagine what that would feel like to have to go through and I pray my loved ones will never have to go through such a thing.
When I got home from work, I still couldn't stop thinking about it. I googled his name and came across a NY Times article and through that, learned that his mom had written a blog of the entire experience. Taylor had followed the blog and with the mother's permission, had used many of her words in the song. So naturally, I had to check out this blog. I sat and read probably 50 of the entries. I just couldn't tear myself away. Finally, at 2 in the morning with tears streaming down my cheeks, I decided it was time to go to bed.
That was almost a week ago, and I still cant stop thinking about it. If I had the finances, I would most definitely contribute to children's cancer. However, I don't. Maybe someday I will :)
Anyways, while reading her story, I felt compelled to grab my baby and just hold him tight in my arms. He is the light of my life and I cant even fathom him being taken from me.
Yesterday, I got done with school at noon and picked up Jett. I had my day planned out perfectly. He was going to take a nap and I was going to get all my cleaning done and then we were going to walk to the park where he and Zeus would play while I did the rest of my homework. We got home and I laid him in his crib and he didn't even make a peep. Normally, nap time is an awful experience in the Engen house because he will cry and scream and my heart just breaks. I have this mental debate each time: 'should I go get him? No, he needs to sleep, he will stop eventually. Is something wrong with him? No, he knows his mama is a softy and will come take him out.'
I did a little victory dance and thought this was too good to be true. I then got started making lunch for my hubby and then he came home and we sat at the table, just the two of us. This is something that never happens in our lives anymore, and it was so nice, except for the fact that it wasn't long enough. He left and I begun to do the dishes when all of a sudden I heard a piercing scream. My little man was up, he was done with nap time. A little annoyed because it had only been 45 minutes, I went into his room. I scooped him into my arms and the tears instantly stopped. It amazes me how the second I hold him, he always stops crying. This is probably the best feeling in the world as a mom, knowing how much your baby needs you. We sat on the couch for a little bit, him eating a granola bar, watching cartoons on TV. Knowing that I had a long to do list, this was killing me. Every time I tried to set him down, he would scream and cry and want to be held. We went through this a couple of times and finally I realized, he wasn't going to watch TV on his own. We then moved to the floor. Me sitting cross-legged with him in the middle, playing with toys. After a couple of minutes I set him on the floor in front of me. He was fine. I was behind him, he couldn't even see me so if I got up, he wouldn't even notice, right? wrong. I slowly stood and crept into the kitchen. I didn't even make it to the sink before he was crying again. How did he even notice I wasn't there anymore?!
I reluctantly came back into the room and picked him up. We were standing by the window and outside, he could see all the trucks fixing our road. he pointed and giggled an proceeded to talk his jibberish. He was clearly fascinated by these trucks. We stood there and watched the trucks for a good half hour. In the midst of all this, my annoyance went away. Yes, I had a pile of dishes to do and an even bigger heap of laundry. Yes, I had a lot of homework that I needed to catch up on. But the dishes, laundry, and homework would all still be there. A little boy who wants nothing more than to hang out with his mama, will not. There will come a day when he thinks I'm dumb and hes too cool for me. I dread when that day comes. For now, I just need to slow down and be grateful for the little things. I didn't accomplish anything on my to do list. I did, however, get to spend the day with my baby and that makes me smile.
Jersey Shore started last night, a show my husband and I always watch together. After Jett went to bed though, instead of sitting my butt on the couch and watching, I finished my to do list. After all, Jett is way more important than the people on Jersey Shore.
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